By HPRS Staff Columnist Jacob Stevens
“We emerge into the light not by denying our pain, but by walking out through it.”
~ Joan Borysenko
Running is a fickle mistress…she makes seemingly simple and obvious choices appear to be more complex than Boolean Algebra, yet the parallels between her and the aforementioned branch of math is well…unparalleled. 12 days before my last race I felt something that wasn’t quite right with my calf; working with my PT the most probable issue was a torn calf. 12 days of intense treatment and no running saw things looking surprisingly good and for the first couple hours of the race they were. Fast forward to hour 14 and the leg was all but useless, seeing me cover miles 48-53 at an astounding 30:00 min/mile. A proper visit to an orthopedic revealed a high probability of a calf tear and definite fracture of the fibula.
The crazy part about the whole ordeal wasn’t the injury, my current state, or how it could have been prevented, but it was my mindset: my thoughts, feelings, and perception of reality. Even after limping over 5 miles in 2.5 hours in some of the worst pain I have ever experienced, along with single digit temps with a windchill a few degrees below zero, I genuinely believed that if I just went to sleep and woke up in the morning that my leg would be perfectly fine. Even after I decided to call it a day, I was convinced that I would be fine in the morning. When I wasn’t, I immediately began to convince myself that I had sold myself short, lacked “grit”, and probably wasn’t even injured, just hurt, and everything and everyone hurts at these events, consciously or sub-consciously that is why most of us are there.
The signs were there from the beginning and in fact my wife, who I swear knows more about this sport than me, even told me to drop down from the 135-mile race to the 50-miler; lo and behold, the leg more than likely fractured after a couple of hours and how far did I make it before the pain of running on a compromised fibula was just too much to bear? That’s right…53 miles…shoulda listened to the wife, eh? The mind plays some very peculiar tricks when we are desperate.
When one solely identifies as one thing, and then that thing is taken away, it can have tremendous effects on one’s entire belief system. For a week and half or so I was in a state that could clinically be called situational depression, however; I often refer to it as “the place”. It’s that place where nothing is motivating, everything is questioned, and you begin to wonder what it’s all for. Sometimes it lasts for hours, other times, months; however, it is inevitable that you’ll come out of that place and then the question becomes what will you do with the newfound clarity? This is what I have found to be the key, seeing that life is something that should be capitalized on…not just something we get through.
How often do we find ourselves simply going through the motions and thinking about what we are going to do next rather than thinking about what we are doing in the moment? Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Life is available only in the present moment.” This is the essential tenet of mindfulness. If we aren’t available in the present moment then we are not living, that is not life, that is simply being. We are meant to do more than simply “be”, we are meant to truly live…and I just gave you the answer to the test, well Thich Nhat Hanh did, you can only truly live in the present moment.
All that hippy-dippy stuff is cool and all but how can we actually use it and how can it actually influence the day-to-day operations that are our lives? You see, it’s about recognizing where we are, what is going on, and realizing that the current state is not a permanent one and as Bill Wilson loves to remind us all, “this too shall pass…”
I knew I was off in a bad way, upstairs, and I knew I just needed to ride it out…buy the ticket, take the ride as one of my biggest literary influences, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, would say. So, when I began to come out of it, I knew I had an opportunity to ramble on about my thoughts in a manner that makes me feel productive and in the hopes that it will reach just one person, a single soul.
Ultrarunning, trail running, and just running in general, has nothing to do with putting one foot in front of the other or getting from one physical location to another, I wholeheartedly believe that statement. Let me say that again: running has absolutely nothing to do with putting one foot in front of the other or getting from one physical location to another. It’s a lifestyle, a state of mind; it’s a lens that influences your choices and decisions as to how you navigate this crazy adventure we call life. It’s a place where people can be who they are without judgement and a place where you don’t have to fit in to fit in. It effects the way we treat others which in turn, hopefully, effects the way they treat others. We also get to go to some really cool places, meet some awesome people, and see some really amazing things along the way which is a pretty sweet biproduct.
So the next time you find yourself in a place where maybe even a run won’t get you out of it just remember that this too shall pass and to leave enough rope for me because I’m right there with you…
