By HPRS Staff Columnist & Ambassador Jacob Stevens
“I can’t talk to myself because mama said don’t talk to strangers.” -Dwayne Carter (Lil Wayne)
Running, especially the ultra-distances, for the consistent, long term runners, is a constant exercise in self-discovery, psychological exploration, and a place in which one can truly find themselves. Most runners that run ultra-distances, particularly the 100-mile distance, 100+ mile distance, or the 24-hour timed event, are running undoubtedly for therapeutic means and as a way to “figure things out” within themselves. I’m not talking about the weekend warrior, the bucket lister, or the check-it-off-the-box type of person but rather the person who puts in the miles day in and day out, shows up and toes the start line or starts that journey run year after year after year. This is a very special type of person with a very special type of circumstance but the truth of the matter is, you don’t have to be one of these people to receive the benefits of this type of cathartic running, you just have to be open minded and most importantly, willing.
I am survivor of prolonged childhood trauma which led to a battle with alcohol, drugs, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I am not unique in this and the fact that I have found relief and sobriety through psychotherapy, treatment, and a healthy, positive outlet is not unique either. I am, however; willing to tell my story which puts me in a much smaller circle, in fact, I will say this, which puts me in an even smaller circle still, as the result of a friend of the family’s sickness and narcissistic sociopathic behavior, I am a survivor of childhood (and young adult) sexual abuse. The aforementioned are facts, and they have made me who I am today, to deny them would be to deny who I am.
For those that have suffered from alcohol and drug addiction we will all say the same thing: the alcohol and the drugs are not the problem. If you are suffering from either of those addictions currently, I will tell you this right now: the alcohol and/or the drugs are not the problem. The problem is you. The problem was me. The drugs and alcohol are merely a symptom of that problem and, unfortunately, when you remove the symptom you are simply left with you. I was left with me…and boy was that a scary place!
Outside of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma in 2016 I found myself in my 7th treatment program. The 3-acre property is across the street from the beautiful Stanley Draper Lake which I would soon discover is home to miles and miles of trails. I secured a job in the office as the intake coordinator, responsible for keeping the facility full of residents, a small miracle as I was also a patient, and used my budding friendship with the administration to convince them to let me leave the property to explore the trails during my family passes. A family pass is a 4, 6, or 8-hour pass which residents earn over time and is used to leave the property with friends or family as a reward for their progress in the program. I had no family willing to come see me, that ship had long since sailed as this was treatment number 7, and not only did I convince the administration that this would be a good idea but I somehow convinced them that I would actually come back! Alas, my love and passion for trail running began.
These runs were cathartic in nature right from the start and I soon discovered that this was a place to “figure things out”, therapy sessions if you will. The first thing that I discovered is that I knew absolutely nothing about myself: my favorite color, my favorite food, what I wanted to be when my 33-year old self grew up, how I wanted to make a living, etc. It was absolutely terrifying, and the fact of the matter is I am still discovering who I am on my daily runs. This does not happen every run and sometimes I have no introspective thoughts for a week but when I do resort to introspection and figuring things out, they are undoubtedly always while I am running.
The most important discovery that I have made is that I simply need to be willing to open my mind and to look inside myself. I don’t always like what I see, as a matter of fact most of the time I am looking inside myself to figure out why I am feeling a certain way or why I have acted in a certain way and I am looking to discover the root emotions, feelings, and thoughts that have led to the unhappiness or dissatisfaction. I then take it a step further and ponder as to why I was feeling that way, thinking that way, or acting that way to begin with. To complete the “session”, I brain storm and throw ideas out as to what I can do to make things better, change that thought pattern or behavior, and to begin moving in a direction that I want to go.
For example, I recently realized that I am not proud of how I make a living. I am incredibly proud of my ability to complete my job, the level at which I am able to perform, and the quality of my work, however; without going into incriminating detail, I am simply not proud of who I make money for and who I inadvertently support as a result. I have spoken with the people that I could that are aware of my unrest as well as to my loved ones and my therapist; I have set the ball in motion for change. For genuine change to better myself, my situation, and those around me…and this was all made possible through the beauty of trail running and my willingness to not only explore nature but to explore the inner depths and the essence of my being.
Sherpa John has eloquently said, “you cannot be who you wish to become until you accept who you already are.” Acceptance is absolutely the first step. It is the first step in recognizing a problem, it is the first step in making a change, and it is the first step in discovering who you are. I am unapologetically me…and I am a work in progress who is constantly changing. I want to be someone that I am proud of. I am creating a legacy day in and day out. This legacy is formed and shaped by my ideas, my achievements, my faults, my mistakes, my successes, my failures. The legacy that I will leave is being shaped by my words, thoughts, actions and what I put out into the world each and every day.
Your legacy, whether you want it to be or not, is being shaped EVERY SINGLE DAY by your words, your thoughts, your actions, and what you put out into the world; the beauty of it all is that you can control the narrative. YOU are awesome. YOU are amazing. YOU belong.
So, the next time you lace up a pair of shoes and head out the door, allow yourself to simply be who you are: your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings, your essence. Observe unapologetically and without judgement…you may find, like I did, that you are observing a stranger; and that is okay. Then I ask you to not shy away, do not pull the curtain closed, but analyze and examine that person; keep what you like and resolve to put the work in to change the things you don’t. This is the moment when we can experience true change and a true feeling of success, because this is the moment we are bettering ourselves, and therefore bettering those around us, bettering our communities, and bettering our world.